We Need to Talk About the Worst Character in Star Wars... Yes, That One
The Last Jedi has finally graced the American pop culture landscape. Is it perfect? Fuck no. It certainly has many flaws. One laugh out loud moment in particular, that I am sure Rian Johnson went “this is going to touch every Star Wars fan’s heart,” just made me snort the beer I snuck in out my nose as a dead elderly woman awkwardly floated through space to safety. It draws heavily from both Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, which nerds have undoubtedly used as a crutch to shit on the movie. So yes, it has flaws, but the 8th installment’s highlights cause you to forget the flaws to see what is a wonderful movie
That being said, The Last Jedi and the necessary Star Wars marathon I embarked on this week reminded me of one of the series’ largest stains that truly doesn’t get harped on enough. He provides nothing to the series as a whole. Like many other characters, he was more than likely created to sell toys first and further the plot second. He is the butt of many jokes both on screen and in message boards. He complains, makes weird statements, and is just a drag on every scene.
You guessed it, I’m talking about C-3PO.
Let it be known right here and now: C-3PO, without question, is, by far and away, the WORST CHARACTER in the entirety of the Star Wars saga.
“Uhh, but Connor, what about Jar Jar?” Yes, Jar-Jar is an abomination, but we only had to suffer through the dopey Gungan for one movie and minor cameos in two more. And one of his appearances actually has massive implications for the story as a whole. Star Wars fans often overlook that it is Jar Jar who gives the speech that convinces the Galactic Senate to give Chancellor Palpatine supreme power, so Jar Jar is actually the cog that spurs the Sith machine. Horrific? Yes, but… his character had real purpose and only disgraces the saga for a limited number of minutes.
That goldenrod bitch-bot Threepio? We have to sit through his complaint-spewing bullshit in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING STAR WARS MOVIE.
What does Darth Vader’s child plaything actually bring to the table? Keen intellect? Genius tactical strategy based on years of combat experience? A huge cock?
None of the above. He allegedly speaks three million languages, although we’ve only ever seen the bastard use that skill one time. Once.
In every movie C-3PO does nothing but shit the bed. In A New Hope, he nearly gets our newly formed squad of heroes squished into a trash brick like a goddamned Tom and Jerry episode. All because he “forgets” that he is holding the radio receiver that Luke had been screaming into for help. Why did he forget he had the receiver? That’s right, because he was too busy bitching to R2D2 about his own predicament. Selfish pile of shit.
That’s like being too drunk to drive home, calling your sober roommate four times for a ride, and him telling you the next morning, “Sorry, I forgot I had my phone and the Pens lost tonight so I was just really distraught.” That may or may not have actually happened in my house. I may or may not have been the sober roommate. I may or may not be a selfish pile of shit too.
Early on in Empire Strikes Back, C-3PO gets his golden moment, his time to shine, his Death Star trench run. The master of millions of languages is needed because a mysterious droid has suddenly appeared on the blizzard-laden planet Hoth spewing a language the Rebels cannot comprehend.
They turn to their language “expert” for clarification. Fuck yeah, Threepio, this is it. Take this moment, make sweet, tender love to it. Wait, what? Oh, sorry, Rebels, Threepio can’t help you because he doesn’t understand this specific dialect. He knows languages not dialects, you ignorant sluts.
He literally has ONE job and the ONE time he was called upon to execute his purpose, he shoved his finger up his ass not ONE, but TWO knuckles deep.
This is easily my favorite scene with C-3PO
Following his absolute failure to perform his only job in Empire, he spends every moment on screen either complaining, screaming in terror at space bats that are outside the ship he is safely nestled in, cockblocking Han Solo with the expertise of a drunk 20-something who decides if he goes home alone then everyone does, or falling apart only to be carried to safety by Chewbacca while crying the whole way about not being put back together properly. If Jar Jar had been blasted to bits, at least he would have had the common decency to stay obliterated.
There’s a slight, slight moment of redemption for Threepio where he shows the most miniscule amount of worth during Return of the Jedi. Except it was totally by accident and he really had nothing to do with it.
The Ewoks, another one of George Lucas’s toy-sales-driven creations, seem set to softly prod the Rebel gang to death with their sticks and stones when they see Threepio- quivering with fear in his golden boots at the fierce, caveman-like weaponry of these furry death machines. Suddenly, the Ewoks worship Threepio as their deity.
FINALLY, Threepio does something worthwhile to explain his meager existence. He leverages his god status to convince the Ewoks to release the Rebels, who really could’ve absolutely slaughtered the fuzzy bastards seeing as how sticks, stones, and bows don’t hold up well against, ya know, guns. Oh wait, Threepio was only able to do that because Luke used the force to lift the false god, which freaked the Ewoks out. So once again, Threepio really did NOTHING of importance to assist. He also screamed like a toddler trapped in a Nordstrom Rack for four hours when Luke lifted him, which was incredibly deific.
With every viewing of the saga I become more fueled with hate towards this gold-plated monstrosity. I don’t find his “jokes” funny, he’s not endearing, and he does not further the story.
He simply exists, seemingly for no other reason than to complain, get in the way, murder romantic moments, and literally slow the team down.
His first line in The Force Awakens always drives me batshit crazy. “Captain Solo! It is I, C-3PO. Perhaps you didn’t recognize me because of the red arm.” No, Threepio, you’re just a worthless pile of bantha fodder who isn’t worthy of Han’s time, attention, or affection.
Side note: Is it just me, or does Anthony Daniels seem like a pompous ass who subsists purely on people going “ermahgerd, it’s C-3PO” so he can softly reply, “I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations,” in that creepy hybrid of mechanical yet softly effeminate voice of his? God, I fucking hate that golden dickbag.