In Honor of the NHL Playoffs: Superheroes for Every NHL Team
The best time of the year is upon us- THE STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS. Other sports may get higher ratings, reel in larger ad revenues, and see more screen time on ESPN, but there is no better postseason action in professional sports than that of the National Hockey League. It's not up for debate- the Stanley Cup Playoffs make for the most exciting championship runs in all of sports.
I am champing at the bit for the playoffs to get started. I shaved my face clean in preparation to grow my god-awful playoff beard, I washed my Evgeni Malkin jersey for the last time this season, and I've been resting my voice so I can scream at the TV at any moment. So in honor of this glorious time of year, my best friend JP Bonnet and I combined are two passions- hockey and nerdy shit- for this comprehensive list- 31 superheroes for all 31 NHL teams.
We selected one (ok, maybe two) representatives from each team and picked the superheroes most fitting to their play style, appearance, name, or any other random shit we could think of. Honestly, we fucking crushed it on some of these... Not so much on others, but I will let you be the judge.
John Gibson- Cannonball
As Cannonball goes faster, he becomes more impenetrable, just as how Gibson becomes a fucking wall once he gets hot.
Max Domi- Spawn
Image comics creates great stories, but are really known for only one superhero- Spawn. Similarly, the only Coyote we could even think of was Max Domi. There is always that one star surrounded by a bunch of assholes.
Brad Marchand- Mole Man
Mole Man is a sewage dwelling king of rodents. Marchand is a rat. A fucking rat. A match made in a garbage heaven. Editor’s note: JP used his sole veto to veto this choice. Connor then used his one veto to veto Jp’s veto. Because Marchand is a goddamn rat. Editor’s Update on Editor’s Note: JP is not pleased.
Jack Eichel - Richard Rider a.k.a. Nova
Much like the Nova Corp selected Richard Rider to save Xandar, Buffalo has chosen Eichel to save them from their legacy of missing the playoffs every year. Honestly, Nova's job is probably easier.
Johnny Gaudreau- Johnny Storm
Ya know, ‘cause flames? And they're both named Johnny? Yeah, you get it.
Sebastian Aho- Multiple Man
Imagine growing up with a name like Sebastian Aho and making it to the big stage- the NHL. You may not be the very best, but you'll definitely be the best Sebastian Aho in the league. Now imagine there being a Finnish version of you also making the NHL. Welcome to the lives of Sebastian Aho, the NHL's very own Multiple Man.
Almost Everyone loves them, even though they're both terribly tricky people. Don't trust Loki around Asguardian artifacts and don't trust Kane in the offensive zone- or, if you're a woman, around your drink at the bar.
Nathan MacKinnon- Jimmy Hudson a.k.a. Wolverine’s son
A hot blooded Canadian monster of a skater and the alternate universe son of a legendary X-Man. Neither is the best Canadian at what he does, but they're both making moves regardless.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Artemi Panarin - Dick Grayson a.k.a. Nightwing
The kid finally got out of the Shadows of the Dark Knight (Toews) and has established himself as a bonafide stud- just as Dick Grayson did after ditching Batman and his Robin costume to become Nightwing.
Tyler Seguin - Jason Todd a.k.a. Red Hood
Red Hood returned from the dead to haunt Batman and Tyler Seguin returned from obscurity to haunt the Bruins after trading him away for nothing. Plus, both are total assholes who go five hole nightly- if ya know what I mean.
Detroit Red Wings
Henrik Zetterberg-Black Bolt
They’re both quiet, stoic, and born leaders who get the job done without saying a word. But when they do speak, they move mountains.
Connor McDavid - Superboy
Super-speed, style, undeniable power- just a few things Mcdavid and Superboy have in common. Another? They're both just boys looking to fill the big man’s pants.
Aaron Ekblad- Hank McCoy/Beast
Ekblad, is a defenseman first just as Beast is a scientist more than a warrior. Put these two on the offensive, however? You’re fucked.
Los Angeles Kings
Look, Jeremy Renner is rad and so are the recent issues of Tales of Suspense, but Hawkeye is just an ordinary man who somehow makes it on Marvel’s all-star Avengers lineup. That’s Drew Doughty- there’s nothing special about him yet he somehow gets lauded with a Norris Trophy. And for what? Not having a cocaine problem?
Zach Parise- Kenny McCormick a.k.a Mysterion
Kenny from South Park is technically a superhero, just like Parise is technically a star caliber hockey player- if he could ever stay healthy for more than two months. Both manage to come back each season to steal fans hearts, just to die horribly.
Shea Weber- Booster Gold
Booster Gold is a superhero from the future who leverages his knowledge to perform highly publicized heroics before falling from grace and being forgotten by the public. Weber can’t even predict where his shots are going to end up let alone anything remotely useful about the future, but he has completely faded into obscurity, just like Booster Gold. Weber can’t predict the future, but we sure can! And that future includes a shot at the #1 pick in the draft lottery for Le Habs.
P.K. Subban - T’Challa a.k.a. Black Panther
Style. Grace. A beacon of African excellence awash in a sea of over-praised honkies- these are ways to describe both PK and the Black Panther.
New Jersey Devils
Brian Boyle- John Constantine
The man has literally been to hell and back, just like Constantine, after courageously beating cancer to comeback and play nearly 70 games. The man was going through Chemo in September and was back on the ice in October, using hockey as his fuel for life.
New York Islanders
Matt Barzal - Wally West a.k.a Kid Flash
There’s no denying both kids have a ton of speed and their personalities have made a splash in massive markets. Only question is- can they catch up to the big name speedsters?
New York Rangers
Henrik Lundqvist- Dr. Doom
Dr. Doom, malevolent King of Latveria. Henrik Lundqvist, vicious defender of the blue paint and King of the New York Rangers. Both rule over once great populations that now struggle to remain relevant.
Bobby Ryan- Ben Reilly, a.k.a Scarlett Spider
We’re digging deep for this one- Ben Reilly is the clone of Peter Parker embedded with the exact same powers as the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man- except he’s a total dickweed who wastes his powers. Much like how Bobby Ryan has all the skills and intangibles to be a top 15 winger, but just decides to suck. Since heading to Ottawa, his career died harder than Uncle Ben.
Shayne Gostisbehere - Ghost Rider
Let’s be honest, his last name is basically pronounced "ghost rider" if read phonetically. After a disastrous start in Philly, it looks like Shayne has made a deal with the devil, putting up impressive numbers for the Flyers. Editor's note: Phuck Filly- Connor
Phil Kessel- Deadpool
This may seem like a stretch, but Phil Kessel is truly the Deadpool of the NHL. Not only are they both cancer survivors, but neither are taken seriously as the legends they are. Deadpool proved his worth at the box office while Phil Kessel continues to be a shining example of peak athletic excellence as a TWO TIME STANLEY CUP CHAMPION. Sorry for the all caps, it’s habit. Editor's Note: please remove his dick from your mouth Connor, we have work to do- JP
San Jose Sharks
Brent Burns- Wolverine
The Canadian responses to American exceptionalism and shining examples of the True North, both Brent Burns and Wolverine exemplify the undeniable grit and toughness of our northern neighbors. Plus, they both look haggard as fuck at ALL times
St. Louis Blues
Chris Thorburn- Eddie Brock a.k.a. Venom
Tampa Bay Lightning
Victor Hedman - Oliver Queen a.k.a. Green Arrow
Armed with a strong jawline and questionably creepy mustaches, both Hedman and Queen have a knack for being pinpoint accurate from a distance. Also, they are both not to be trifled with when engaged in fisticuffs. Editor's note: this may seem like a stretch, but its the last team we did and we were running out of heroes. Not to mention the entire Lightning team has as much personality as a White House Intern Group Photo.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Auston Matthews- Peter Parker a.k.a. Spider-Man
Both are rising star STUDS who may still be learning the ropes (well, the movie version of Spider-Man is learning the ropes, comic book Spidey is kinda legendary), but go toe-to-toe with the big boys anyway.
The Sedins- The Wonder Twins
Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of: 1,000 point scoring NHL Legends! This one is a no brainer and we had to pay respects to the most devastating twins in the history of sports as they bid “adieu” (or whatever the fuck Swedes say) to their careers, riding off to build Ikea furniture in the great unknown a.k.a. Sweden.
Vegas Golden Knights
Ryan Reaves - Luke Cage a.k.a. Power Man
With the league moving away from the enforcer, one of the last mohicans has been Ryan Reaves. The man is built like a brick-shithouse and will destroy your entire third line with a smile on his face, like Luke Cage running train on street criminals. Plus, as the Luke Cage Netflix series shows, they're both tender lovers.
Alexander Ovechkin - KGBeast
A longtime villain of Batman, KGBeast is a ruthlessly efficient killer and grade-A communist dickhead who always gets thwarted by his nemesis. Replace “killer” with “sniper,” “Batman” with “the City of Pittsburgh,” and "Ovi" with "KGBeast" and this sentence is still 100% factual.
Patrik Laine- Weapon H (a new Hulk/Wolverine hybrid)
Ironically enough, Laine and Weapon H stepped on their respective scenes around the same time. Both are an immeasurably effective alchemy of their peers and immediately made a massive splash when they emerged from their test tubes. Seriously, Laine got so good so fast we refuse to believe he didn’t undergo some sort of scientific experimentation.