Life is hard, there is no getting around it. Sometimes the Department of Education hits you with a processing fee that decimates your paycheck for 6 weeks. Or your landlord sells your house and your new place won’t be available for another month so you’re shredding some couches throughout July. Or you ask someone to hang out and they tell you they’re busy before you even say when or where. Sometimes you strike out swinging in slow-pitch softball. Not that any of that happened to me, of course, but life is constantly throwing Barry Zito curveballs at you that cause you to swing and miss so hard that you fall to one knee in your attempt to swing (and don’t kid yourselves Giants fans, I am talking mid 2000 Oakland A’s Barry, not the sad excuse, porn-stached Giants years Barry boy you see above).
Luckily for the entire world, none of that matters because we are graced with a new, high profile Star Wars film EVERY YEAR. Every. Fucking. Year. What a time to be alive. For those who don’t know or are busy having social lives and significant others, when Disney bought Star Wars not only did they make a commitment to finish the Skywalker saga with three more main trilogy movies (known as the “Sequel Trilogy”) every two years, they also pledged to debut a completely original spinoff movie (known as “Star Wars Stories”) in between each trilogy movie. That’s how Rogue One came about in 2016 afterThe Force Awakens in 2015 and explains why 2017’s The Last Jedi will be followed by the yet-to-be-titled Han Solo film slated for a May 2018 release.
Disney has been pretty tight lipped about what the third Star Wars Story will be following the final Sequel Trilogy film set for 2019. Rumors have been flying around like racial slurs at a Trump convention, with whispers of a Boba Fett movie, Yoda bio pic, and even a Obi-Wan-centric trilogy surfacing. None of these rumors are really that substantial, they’re more just pie in the sky ideas about movies fanboys would want to see. You’re undoubtedly thinking “What would Connor, the biggest Star Wars fanboy I know, do if he could make his own Star Wars Story?” Well the unbearable anticipation is over! Here’s my ideas for a few Star Wars Stories that would be yuuuuuuuge successes.
1. An R-rated Star Wars horror movie
Anyone who says they wouldn’t want to see an intensely gory, violent Star Wars movie is either a liar or a complete boner. My best idea for a Star Wars Story would be set long before the Phantom Menace, aka Episode 1, the one that came out 20 years after the first Star Wars movie because George Lucas totally planned that inconsistent storytelling move. This definitely-not-for kids movie would center on an old school, by-the-books Jedi tasked with investigating a recently discovered planet on the far reaches of the galaxy called Korriban (to my fellow nerds, that Korriban). Our Jedi would cross paths and recruit a Han Solo type scoundrel on his journey to this planet, but that scoundrel would undoubtedly have ulterior motives outside of Jedi research. And of course the duo would recruit a plethora of barely developed characters along the way that would serve as fodder for uncomfortably gruesome deaths, ya know like every character in Alien: Covenant.
Yeah, many super-metal deaths will fall upon the random people the pair pick up along the way, just like this random crew member's death in Alien: Covenant
You’d have the classic “I have a bad feeling about this” line as they approach the planet, unbeknownst to the horrors that await them below. What they would find on the planet, would be the home-world and origin of the Sith, the literal manifestation of the dark side of the Force. They’d fight monsters that would cause the Rancor to shit itself, limbs would be savagely ripped off by demonic force-wielding Siths who look fresh off the set of a GWAR music video, and there would be MANY badass lightsaber duels that would always end in some intense decapitation or loss of limb. Oh, and the lone survivor of this movie would be a droid because humans are stupid and I want that message to be crystal clear.
2. Star Wars John Wick
I would love a John Wick Star Wars movie and there is sooooo little that would need to be changed to do it. Star Wars-ify the name by dropping the h and the c to make it Jon Wik. Replace the adorable puppy that gets murdered with a cuddly Ewok, maybe even have Warrick Davis suit back up again as a savage, murderous teddy bear. Oh, Ewoks aren't murderers? Re-watch Return of the Jedi with the idea in mind that Ewoks kill hundreds of stormtroopers with fucking stones, then tell me how cute they are.
No one likes to talk about the fact that in the celebration following the Battle of Endor the Ewoks are using the severed heads of their enemies as musical instruments.
Jon is angry at Rodians instead of Russians. Even put Keanu Reeves in it. Literally change almost nothing. Just add laser blasters, stormtroopers, weird aliens, a giant monster fight, an Ewok, and a bad ass spaceship instead of a car. And instead of a pitbull at the end, he befriends a Wookie. And instead of a car, Jon is fighting to get his Corellian Freighter back. Actually switch his name to Han. Oh and his last name to Solo. Make a John Wick style Han Solo movie. Just make a good Han Solo movie. Please, Disney. I am begging you. Don’t fuck this up. I already had to watch Han die once (anyone who was around me during/after The Force Awakens can attest that I was destroyed), please get this movie right. Please. Plz.
3. Mockumentary about the Han Solo Spinoff
Speaking of the greatest character in the American film cannon, let’s talk about the never-ending nightmare that is the ongoing development of the latest confirmed Star Wars Story detailing the adolescence of the scruffiest of nerf herders. If you haven’t noticed or, once again, have a life, this movie is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE. It all started when Disney decided to forgo Taron Egerton, the star of Kingsman who looked like he was chiseled by Harrison Ford himself out of clay mixed from broken down Star Wars props, for Alden Ehrenreich, the groundbreaking star of such blockbusters like “Running Wild,” “Stoker,” and “Hail, Caesar!” in which he played a bad western actor who was pushed into an artsy period piece (Hail, Caesar! is actually a great movie by the way, he just sucks in it). Well turns out he wasn’t acting too much in his Hail, Caesar! role, because Disney had to hire an acting coach for him five months into shooting. Not even Hayden Christensen had a coach and he nearly ruined the franchise. Ohhhhh and the trouble don’t stop there! Just before the acting coach was hired, the main editor of the film was fired. Oh and what happened just after the editor was let go? The fucking directors got fired…. Feels like I am watching Han die all over again.
You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about
So I suggest Disney take the L and capitalize on it by making a mockumentary about the horrendous filmmaking process that has been the Han Solo spin-off. They can highlight the highs of the film, like when they selected Donald Glover to play Lando Calrissian or when they hired Lawrence Kasdan and his son to write the script. Then they can grill themselves for the bad decisions, like hiring the directors of the fucking Lego movie to make a gritty movie about a smuggler, letting Emilia Clarke touch another sci-fi series after Terminator: Genisys, putting Woody Harrelson in any role without Matthew McConaughey to carry him, hiring a guy famous for not really acting as a bad actor to play the greatest American character ever, or announcing that Han Solo isn’t Han Solo’s actual name. You can have over-the-top cameos from other celebrities and known Star Wars fans to talk about how much of a disaster this movie is. Kevin Smith always needs work and I am sure George Lucas has a wonderfully omniscient take on how he actually had a Han Solo movie of his own written in the summer of 1977 after he penned the nine film trilogy that he totally planned. Take it from a Star Wars PR expert, Disney, get out in front of this while you still can.
4. Podracing Movie
What did every Star Wars fan say to themselves after seeing the Phantom Menace? That movie could’ve been better with, nay, it needed Vin Diesel. With the spin-off movies, Disney has the chance to remedy what was missing most from the Phantom Menace, that being America’s greatest treasure, the only man that truly understands that street racing is about family and family is about street racing. What is podracing about? Racing. What is Star Wars about? Family. What does Vin Diesel do in every Fast and the Furious movie? Family and racing. There is not a more perfect match for a Star Wars movie.
And I have now written all of Vin Diesel's speaking lines for this podracing movie. and for all of the Fast and the Furious movies
I can picture it now: Vin Diesel living as a quiet recluse on the outskirts of Mos Eisley, a minds-his-own-business moisture farmer just making a living to keep his family safe from a dark past. But in the distance, a thunderous engine rips across the horizon as twin-suns set, a distant whisper from a life left behind. He loses himself in reminiscing, but before he can lose too much time, he whispers “Family,” and goes back into his hut for an ice cold blue milk. Morning comes and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Vin’s old racing buddy Ludacriss. Says he has one last ride for him to take on, Vin’s the only man with the hands fast enough to finish this race, which is as good as winning on the streets of the far away planet of Malestar. Vin Diesel silently shakes his head, turning as he shuts the door behind him, just before Ludacriss exclaims “It’ll help your family! They’ll be set for life!” Vin stops cold in his tracks, cranes his neck so that he makes one-eye contact with his long lost compadre. “Family,” he says sternly. Then 90-minutes of absurd, definitely impossible racing stunts and Vin Diesel lecturing miscreants on the importance of family. He’ll be faced with some choice at the end of the movie where he can rejoin the lifestyle he left behind for good or continue supporting his family. Don’t act like this is suspenseful- of course he chooses family.
Let me make this as clear as possible: all of these are jokes. Please don’t think I actually want these movies to be made. Except for number 1. That would be dope.